Joke thread

[genesis]

No s*xually oriented jokes please.

The Train
A Russian, A Mexican and a American are on a train.
Suddenly the Mexican throws out a bottle of Margrita.
The American and Russian ask, why did you do that that's a good bottle of booze.
The Mexican says we have too much of that in Mexico.
The Russian then tosses out a bottle of vodka.
We have too much of that in Russia says the Russian.
Suddenly the American tosses out the Mexican.

[Mustafa]

What do you call a bus full of black people




A rotton Banana :lol: :w00t: :doh: :P

[Krelian]

i saw a good one the other day, posted by stabs on hf

Originally posted by Sir Stabsalot
This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

[genesis]

haha nice one guys

[Vector]

jman that is an excellent joke :tup: :tup:

[blackhawk]

okay my freind told me this here it goes

there was this married couple and they have been married for years and every morning the guy just rips a huge fart before he gets out of bed. The wife hates this and tells him everyday "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out!" So as the weeks roll by thanksgiving finally rolls around and the wife is downstairs preparing the turkey. She takes out all the guts of the turkey and she gets an idea. her husband is still upstairs sleeping so she sneaks up there and puts the guts in his underwear. back downstairs shes hears this "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" and shes laughing and laughing. Then for 20 minuets she doesnt hear a sound until he comes downstairs and says "well dear it finally happened. i farted my guts out but with vasiline and these 2 fingers i think i got them all back in.

[trevor51590]

i know you said no s*xually oriented jokes, but this is really funny and i know you guys will laugh.. plus it all gets blanked out!!here it goes!

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You b*tch!" And the mom screamed, "You b*stard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really h*rny, the dad said "Nice t|ts!" And the mom, "Nice d*ck!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "*****!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "f**k!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you b*tches and b*stards, hang up your t|tt|es and d*cks. Dad's up stairs whipping the ***** off of his face and mom's in the kitchen f**king the turkey!"

[Mortician]

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


:D

[genesis]

realy, eeewwwww!

[blackhawk]

haha good one

[Vector]

hilarious joke trevor51590 :tup: :tup:
i've never heard that one before

[Legendary_Soldier]

I know it said nothing s*xually oriented but this one is hilarious:

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"

[Red is my neck]

Two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks.

[Vector]

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

[Kingox]

Originally posted by deLogic+Jan 8 2004, 05:45 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (deLogic @ Jan 8 2004, 05:45 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> The Train
A Russian, A Mexican and a American are on a train.
Suddenly the Mexican throws out a bottle of Margrita.
The American and Russian ask, why did you do that that's a good bottle of booze.
The Mexican says we have too much of that in Mexico.
The Russian then tosses out a bottle of vodka.
We have too much of that in Russia says the Russian.
Suddenly the American tosses out the Mexican. [/b]
Thats a cheap imitation of the Aussie, Scotsman, and Chinamen jokes <_< or was it the other way round :lol:


My cheat a*se joke.Originally posted by Kingox+--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Kingox)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>Knock Knock
Whos there
Boo
Boo who?
Awww, no need to cry [/b] :w00t: :lol: What a classic :P

Hes another.<!--QuoteBegin-Kingox@
Jacob was charged with stealing a BMW Z3, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Jacob came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

'Your honor,' he said, 'I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.'

'Why ?' asked the judge. 'He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?'

'Well, your honor,' replied Jacob, 'I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
[/quote] Lame, my other one was better. :lol:


Here one more really funny one. It is shortend. You will understand it eventually. Please someone has to make comment on this really funny joke.
<!--QuoteBegin-Teacher from school
There was this man, and he was a real perfectionist. He was to have a house build, so he calculated all the bricks he would need for his house.

He when on a trip while he hired someone to build his house for him. When he came back to found that a brick was left, and said to him self "what there shoudl not be any bricks left". So he when looking every where for when the brick would be, Inside, Outside, everywhere. But he just could not find where. So the through it up into the air.[/quote]
:w00t: :lol: :w00t:


Ill tell you more REALLY funny ones tomorrow, just like that one.

[Wafflestomper]

Originally posted by Red is my neck@Jan 8 2004, 05:06 PM
Two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks.
Classic.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
You sound like an owl!

omgf look i pwn.

[bl0ss0m]

Nice jokes everyone, too bad I don't got any, but I will steal some from my friend when he tells me some :)

[Billy The Mountain]

Two guys were drinking hard in a local bar when the one turned to the other and said

You sure look familiar to me but it's unlikey I know you cause I'm from Ireland.

The other guys said Well you look familiar to me too and you know I'm from Ireland too!

Several rounds were drank to the honor of Ireland

The first guy said well ya know I graduated from St. Marys in Dublinn in 85.

NO! incredible I graduated from St. Marys in 85 Heres to Ireland and several more rounds were consumed in honor of Ireland.

At this point the bartender turned to another patron in disgust and said man it's gonna be a long night those O'Mally twins are at it again!

Why did God invent Whiskey?

To keep the Irish from ruling the world!

[Kingox]

There where two people on a Plane Flight from america to Australia, there was a man who was smoking and next to him there was a lady with a duck on her lap.

Well the man was not very happy with the duck in the cabbin so he called over the air hostest and asked her to remove the duck, but the ladie with the duck said that she did not like the man smoking.

So the airhostest, grabbed the cigaret and the grabed the duck. When walked over to the door of the plane, opened it and through both out.

When the plane landed in sydney, They sore a duck on the tail of the plane, and the duck had something in its mouth.

WHAT DID THE DUCK HAVE IN ITS MOUTH?